Letting Go.....

Hold tightly with your palm open when raising your children....I never really understood what my mother was trying to say until I was the one who had to let go.......I remember how my heart felt.....It was a dull ache that has never fully healed. A small part of me wishes my girls had never grown up.

I can still remember the first day my oldest daughter Whittney drove away for the first time; without me or her father coaching her to watch the road...I begged my husband to follow her. "You're being silly" he said. A few minutes later he left for bread....(we had 1 loaf on the counter) I new he was searching for piece of mind. He later told me she arrived to her friends house, and she was safe.


When our baby girl Brittney was leaving for Florida to attend college....saying goodbye was so hard for us.....we just avoided the whole thing...she left without telling me....it was truly the only way that she could leave a mother who needed her more than she needed me. I will never forget the day she called her daddy and was crying to come home...I finally exhaled that day.....she drove home to us as if she was chasing every minute....and I am certain that her heart learned; every minute away from family counts....

Letting go of my brother and surrendering him to God was painful. The bible says there will be a season to cry and a season to laugh....Why does love hurt when you let go...Death is not prejudice...it doesn't care who you are.....eventually, everyone dies......Death can not be measured by who you are.....it can only be measured by who you loose..I can not imagine burying a child...that has to be the most painful loss...for a mother or father to bury a child, would be like a hole in your heart that never heals......I am sure the heart beats differently afterwards.....

Cason is a hugger. His hugs are long and tight and have purpose. And like me, he doesn't like to let go...but letting go when it comes to Cason has a different meaning to me...it means.....Letting God....

We must realize that God's plan is flawless. The events in our life are God's plan carried through. Nothing by fate, but by God's choice. He has etched out the path that we will travel. The only way I can try to relate to my parent's pain of loosing my brother, is when I let go of Cason's hand before his third open heart surgery. This little boy had become my testimony of how life should be...a life full of silly looks that make you giggle or dirty dishes left in the sink, only because a persistent little boy wants to show you a trick on his bike..laughter that hurts...or my favorite...a tent made of kitchen chairs, duct-tape and a old sheet.... and with nothing more than a flash-light to keep away the ghosts and monsters, he turns to you and says....wreckin' when the sun comes up you'll marry me? This little boy has left imprints on my heart..and to think of loosing him, seems gut-wrenching and would be life altering for me. To think an impressive imperfect scar that divides his chest is a constant reminder to me that flesh is a victim of my most hidden fear...loosing Cason....and if you think that weathering life's moments without God's Grace can be done.......let me remind you.....flesh is nothing more than a layer that can be cut, burned, bruised and scarred. It is not durable..and with time, it becomes thin and transparent. I feel as if God has Cason in the palm of his hand...and everyday he protects him and keeps him safe. I give God all the glory and thank him every time I think of how Cason has changed my life. Cason gave me life. anew relationship with God...he also mended years of pain that family members can collect....He has touched so many people's life with his story of the boy with the million dollar heart.....If God ever decided to lift him up....Would I question him? Could I be as strong as my mother? The bible says as Jesus wept, and as he hung on the cross, God looked away...It was to painful to see his son suffer........in order for God to follow through with his perfect plan...he to had to sacrifice.....for his children......


I prayed to God.... I cried to God..... please bless me with a son. I would think to myself....For 15 years, I pictured Cason in my mind. His big bright eyes and crooked smile....his hair....cut short, like his daddy's, so that you could the final recipe of the color brown that shines from his eyes...his olive colored skin with small freckles, all perfectly placed on his neck..with one shy freckle that rests slightly behind his right ear; hiding.....and I remember how I felt during that long awaited time...when I thought of this boy who would someday own me...how I already knew he would be special....that he would make a difference in many people's lives.....little did I know, he would impact me the most....leading me to become a born again Christian......a new level of faith...My mother told me many years ago, that she dreamed a little boy would be born...she asked me if I wanted more children.....I could not believe she said that..she took my breath away..... I knew enough about my mother's gift of sight...and I never questioned it....I never answered her...I was trying to concentrate on breathing..... that statement was all I needed to hold on to my dream of my little boy....thanks mom....

As I said, God's plan for us is flawless..We can try to run from his plan, but the cross his Son carried becomes our cross to carry....and we eventually fall to our knees. And through this time in our lives, we start evolving and changing. We strive to be more like him. But as a flower can die from not watering, so can our faith without feeding it. Eventually, we wander away from what can be everlasting peace. Our life starts to evolve into turmoil...and we struggle to find direction. We start buying self help books and organizational books to help get our life back on track. We spend hundreds of dollars with new clothes and new hair-dos...anything... trying to find the answer. As we lay awake at night, he finally lays heavy on our heart and calls our name. We try to resist...but God knows our hearts...and he wants to fulfill our desires...so to bring someone closer to him..he identifies the desires and uses them as a pathway to help us realize..... life is better with him, than without him. And as for me, God knew the desires of my heart,,he knew I wanted a son...so he gave me my desires....but I would later find out...he will bring you to him anyway he can..even through the heart of a child......

Cason is a attribute of God....his perfect creation....every detail of Cason, even down to the freckle hiding behind his ear is God's design...his Divine power showing off... So to say his heart is not perfect.....is saying God made a mistake....are you going to question God?

I heard a man on the radio dedicating a song to his little girl....he was crying so hard....you could tell he was trying to be strong but the cracks in his words were blanketed with pain....his little girl was taken from him and it had only been a week or two......why did that man think calling the radio would make a difference.....he lost his little girl to a drunk driver......he wanted to encourage anyone who was battling the bottle to think twice before driving while drinking......As I was driving home from work, I was thinking of that man crying......and how I felt it would be a long time before he would let go and let God...I prayed for him....and I starting thinking, a lot of people were probably praying for him too.....God was already working in that man's life..without anyone realizing.....

Casonfest 2009 will be on July 3rd. Cason will be six. His heart has endured almost 6 years of pumping about 130 beats a minute, 167,200 times a day...and still not having major heart issues. His heart is beating perfect for him....it would not work for anyone else....just him...just as God designed it to...Cason's birthday is also the date of my mother's father death....Cason is an old soul...my mother knows why...I just know not to question it......I understand now what it means when I hear people say...."Oh, Bless his heart".....without a second delay, they automatically say this to him. The sight of the scar sometimes spark questions. Cason has no problem telling people who fixed his heart."Jesus fixed my heart" he says. He will also tell you that Jesus is in his heart. I do find it awkward when he tells me his Jesus is hurting, replacing the word heart with Jesus. He also tells me that he talks to Jesus. I find it shocking when he tells me he wants to go to heaven and see Jesus, not just talk to him. He does reassure me I can go with him....and we can be back before bedtime.... He does not quite understand the whole concept, but I feel he has the important stuff covered.....He is certainly filled with the spirit of Christ. An old soul......well, who Am I to question.

As I mold this boy into a man, I will always try to choose my battles and remember to hold tightly with my hands open..and one day, I will have to let go when another lady steals my kisses from me....and when the day comes, and I find myself wearing a pastel dress and watching him slip the ring his father gave to me one his lady's finger, I will always remember...he asked me first......

I only tell secrets to butterflies...

I only tell secrets to butterflies...but lately I am finding myself at a loss of words...but as I am quiet...the words in my head will not stop flowing..as God speaks to me...he reassures me to endure ... to just be still and listen...and it is when we are still do we here our hearts talking........

My days seem to run together recently, and I feel like I haven't slept in a month. My heart hurts and my head is filled with sentences containing words that seem to run together...overlapping..not making any sense...so I have become silent as I try to sort thru my thoughts.....

I called mom to check in and I could here her...without saying a word I could hear her...I felt her heart hurting too....it has been more than a month...and for the first time in my life...I wanted time to take flight and soar...so the ache in my heart would lessen and the memories could fade somewhat...it would be easier this way....

I think of my father as the majestic lion who watches over his pride...a lot of power...a lot of strength....always willing to fight for his family....the endurance to withstand a storm...the guardian......always watching.....but it is his single beating vessel that is his weakness....the shield of armor which protects his heart has become weak....and when someone hurts his children on his watch.... it will bring him to his knees..he can not handle things he can not control...I know this about him....and it hurts him even more when, as a family, we divide instead of uniting...during diversity, together, we are bound with strength.....but when we try to break away and weather storms alone, we lose our anchor...and we gradually enervate.....mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally......they say the heart of a lion wears fast because of what he endures....my father has no time to heal because he is trying to lead us through our utter lack of hopelessness...but with my mother as the guiding ray of light, and a warm touch... we seem to be drawn to water, and revitalize our hearts and regain strength...even if we talk on the phone for just a brief moment...it somehow re powers us....herself with a broken spirit...she also endures....the love for their children is what harmonizes us as a family...even though miles restrict us...it is as if our hearts are synchronized ..six beating hearts...a melody of rhythm....but with one less heart beating ....the tempo has changed....our family weakens....even the protector is tired and the ray of warm light dims.......who will guide us through our heavy hearts...we look to one another.....but it is to painful to disclose our feelings, so we stay silent.....if we unveil our hearts.....nothing short of a weeping soul surfaces and airs its painful scent...so we float through our days...aware of the elephant in the room....hoping time will camouflage our grief.....leaning on God and praying the next day will be easier than the last....the variations in our life are like seasons that change......hot then cold...rain then shine....never constant..... always moving forward...busy lives.....it baffles me that life still evolves and time marches on.....even though we all have broken hearts.....doesn't anyone understand that this moment in our life should stand still and allow us to heal....we could become stronger....Only the power of Gods grace can save us now....

I told mom that I haven't slept well....I was scared to...I can not control my thoughts or feelings right now...I try to think of things that make me happy....like my kids...and their lives...but it never works....mind over matter.....the power of prayer.....radio......tv..... ...reading....anything..... but the thoughts still sneak in...the memories still remains....his last words to me..his spontaneous blurt of humor..perfect timing with his wit.....the flashbacks...his smile.....the reflections of his life still haunt me...visions of his pictures are like mini home movies that flicker through my mind.....his favorite things....our talks....for hours we would talk....he loved to here me talk....he was the one who would be still and listen....the retention of all these thoughts and memories are drowning me...maybe as time passes, I will invite the memories into my heart,,but for now, I must stand firm and grow a strong ....regain my sense of self...I think of my parents and how they handled the loss of their brother..trying to pull from them as they lead by example ..losing my brother is like losing a piece of my childhood....a part of me.... gone...i feel as if I should surrender.....only God can carry me through this shaded time in my life..I search for answers as I try to process the loss of Rick....but as God whispers to me ...he tells me "Trust in me, for everything I do has perfect timing."...so I endure....

His death has hit our family fast and hard...without caution....no forewarning...he was stripped from us...pulled from our lives...no one gave permission ...we did not lend him to anyone and he was not borrowed....he abandoned us..left us behind...he gave up...to tired to fight the fight...tired of being tired......we did not have the option to postpone or delay or even suspend his death.....there was no meeting....nothing up for discussion or debate...just like that...meeting adjourned...and he slipped away....

Some of us won't talk about it at all....others want to talk about it everyday...my mother, as always, graceful....a lot like a butterfly, she captures a audience, without even trying...her beauty and grace illuminates around her as she struggles to hide the fact that loosing a child is to painful to accept...I worry this will cause her to give up...As there is no comforting words that flow from my lips ...I can only hope to let her know that she is so needed by me...I would be lost without her...she is one of my silent strengths.....and I could not withstand another hole in my heart....I wish to also let her know that God gives certain people vision...and he will allow you the gift of being insightful...and if she becomes still and listens to her heart, I think she will start to understand that God lost his son too, and his son sustained pain and suffering too, and like Jesus, Rick was a man people loved to be around ...full of life...huh..how ironic......these words may not comfort the loss of her son, however, it may make a difference if I let her know that...the air you struggle to breathe is God breathing life back into you so that you may live again..the holy power of God....his presence lives in you..with every breath you will become stronger..this is my daily prayer for you ..sweet mother of mine.....My father tells us to move on...that Rick is not suffering anymore..he is so quick to talk to us and remind us of reality... telling us to try and put this behind us ...but I pray to God to let him know...a silver tongue can not talk the pain away.....and i would want him to know how I feel about his heart... a measure of a man is not how tall you stand, but how big your heart is....his cup runith over..for in my eyes..the only heart more special to me besides his.. is my son's.....I just want him to take the time to be still and listen....listen to his heart....because all eyes are on him ...We would be lost without your guidance....

As the month floats by and another year comes to a close...I size up my life and realize that I need to listen to my heart...not my head...the heart will never let you down...the head will sell you short.....it can prevent you from achieving your dreams....common sense is just that..common..and who wants to be common......I have noticed just as my family endures the loss of my brother, my children have endured the loss of their mother....and my husband fathers our son without me...my life has to change....my brother often made it known to me I was losing sight of what was important.....seize the moment he would tell me...how in the world did I ever allow myself to get this way ...somehow, I feel asleep....and when I woke...life became comfortable and I allowed it to take control....Allowing life to take control of you instead of you taking control of life is malignant......to accept change in your life and soar to another direction you must be prepared for chaos....you will be questioned by the decisions you make and will be encouraged to go back to the way things were....there will be no structure for awhile....people like structure, its comforting and safe...you will develop new problems with no solution...unexpected surprises...uninvited worries..forget about the extra money....But my heart can no longer handle what my head is saying...I have never been known for being common.....there will be no compromising with my heart any longer.....and as I get stronger each moment ....my heart wins, and as the mind copulates fear....God comforts my heart with his grace....sheltering it from harm...for the heart is a powerful force of strength...a lifeline of hope....

I want to be everything that my heart feels I can be... to me, the power of the human heart is a mighty force that can spare you heart ache; if you can control the emotions that drip from it...it will reveal the inner beauty that lies beneath the hurt or anger or regret you harbor.....the bad choices you make in your life or the regrets you bear will wither if you can pilot your emotions......guide your feelings and channel them in a positive way....allow your emotions to be manipulated by you and manage them to help empower your heart.....I have always told my children....never allow anyone to have control over your emotions...lately.....I feel life has now taken the reins and is driving me into a trail of emotions....if I surrender to this, I will fall short of Gods grace...only God can blanket me with his comfort and shower me with his warm light through what I feel is a merry go round of dissolute......a pure lack of control over my life...if I cave in and become weak.my family will suffer....I will loose sight of what is meaningful to me...those who love me.....this can only happen if your heart is beating without Gods love....his silent presence..so powerful.....trust in him and tell him your deepest secrets..he can comfort you and pick you up and carry you....and like butterflies.....your secrets are safe with him....

When I think about butterflies, I think about God. To me , they are similar...a perfect creation for me to admire....a silent creature to be noticed...a loner...

When I look at butterflies, I feel warm and safe..just as I do when I think of how God has control over my life..I'm desperate for him....Butterflies are hypnotic to me and I have become fascinated ..I find myself looking for butterflies...just as I look for
God's direction....it saddens me to think I will have to wait until the seasons change to experience the beauty of this silent creature...Some things are worth waiting for.......I have never seen an ugly butterfly..and they seem to become reborn after changing..a lot like our own life after we change...starting over... in a peculiar way, a butterfly parallels our faith ..our relationship with God.. Butterflies are loners..just as God is.....they hibernate by themselves...away from everyone, until the timing is right.It seems God is like that too...always there for you when the timing is right...when you need him the most...and after a butterfly changes into a glorious sight.....they evolve and take flight...and silently, they become noticed......

It is only right that a butterfly loves flowers....and gardeners often pay tribute and plant flowers for them...an invitation to show off and be noticed....and when we get butterflies in our stomach...it feels like soft tickles...to me, this feeling is pure... an emotion of love....yet another reflection of a butterfly...pure love..just like Gods love ...pure....God wants you to invite him into your life so he may show off...and in order for God to show his majestic colors.....you must feed your soul with his grace...inviting him into your heart, where he can be noticed..and as you plant a garden for butterflies, you should also plant the seed of hope and invite God to shower it with his grace....and watch him show off....,and I promise you will feel warm tickles in your heart...just like butterflies in your stomach.....

A butterfly is full of color.....colors that are loud....but yet they are a silent creature....of all Gods creatures and creations, I have never heard a butterfly..how is it a butterfly can be so loud with color and yet so silent in flight....so beautiful to look at...... Without a sound they respectfully grasp our attention and are noticed..Just as God does......We could learn a lot from a butterfly...to be noticed without being heard is almost impossible..I feel only God can achieve such a calling...one must leave an impression so powerful it is only felt at the depths of your heart..like soft tickles..to be seen and not heard is a treasure only to those who understand it...and feel it....God works in our lives and he never falls short...and he always let you know his presence..he whispers to us..and as we listen...we start to notice the pain is less today than it was yesterday...and just when we think things will never be the same...we notice familiar routines of our day.....and God shows off when we start laughing again and things in our future start to take shape...he is molding us little by little everyday.....I will only invite opportunities that include God in my life.......and to think we sometimes get lost, and try to live without him .....like a butterfly in flight....he grasps our attention and demands to be noticed....